This is essentially an intro, just setting up the background before the story kicks in. Sorry for it’s length, but I think it’s worth it to understand the situation and characters properly, stick with it! Thanks.


I slumped into my usual seat on the bus, staring idly out the window as the masses of people walked across the field towards their various forms of transportation home. It was 3 o clock, and although this was a collective sigh of relief from everyone else, for me it was an embarrassment.

I was 18, and had just started my last year at 6th Form College. The school I attended saw itself as one big entity; it saw college as being an extension of high school, grouping everyone together for simplicity. Classrooms, teachers, break-times, lunch, transportation, uniform – nothing changed if you decided to stay on for further education, you were still treated like a kid. I’d been here since I was 11, when I first started high school and, needless to say, I loathed the place. Now, of course, I wished I’d gone to a proper, separate college when I’d turned 16, but I’d always been a shy girl, and decided it would be better to stay on with what few friends I did have around me, than to leave and have none.

3 o clock was the worst time for me. Whilst nearly all of the 6th Form students piled into their cars, or got lifts home from friends or boyfriends, I was cursed with the shameful bus, surrounded by young, babbling school children. I might as well have still been in school. Richard – probably the only other kid in his final year who took the bus too – took his usual position beside me, with a polite nod as the bus began to rumble forwards. He was similar to me in a lot of respects – quiet and socially awkward. He also blushed when he spoke to people he didn’t know very well; like I did.

“Can I ask you something..?” He said quietly, but still managing to startle me a little – we were both generally comfortable sitting in silence.

“Oh..of course..” I replied, turning my head a little to face in his direction.

“Well..I just wondered why Jake doesn’t take you home..?”. He said it a little timidly, not wanting to seem rude, but still curious for an answer. He nodded his head towards the window as the old red Volvo my boyfriend drove sped off.

I sighed, looking back out the window and away from Richard “It’s…complicated..”.

And it was. Jake, was my first and only boyfriend. We’d been together since we left school, so just over a year. He was good looking, confident and popular…so automatically he was the love of my life. I could never quite understand why Jake chose me as his girlfriend, rather than one of the many gorgeous and slutty popular girls that hung around in his group of friends. Needless to say, I was not a part of this group. And yet…he was still with me. I was always grateful for that.

He’d recently broken my heart and told me his real reason for venturing out from his group of friends and seeking me out in the first place. It was during an argument, one of many about the same thing – sex – and his words still rang clear in my mind “I thought quiet girls were supposed to be the dirtiest..”. He denied it afterwards of course..he said it wasn’t true, and that he had only told me to hurt me…but at that moment, I knew that it was.

I knew that before being with me, Jake had been ‘active’ with several girls – I’d asked him for the details, which I instantly regretted. Nearly all the girls in his group had sucked him and his friends off whenever they pleased – sluts – but they would never go all the way. It had since become blindingly clear to me that Jake had sought out one of the quietest girls in the school – me – and arrogantly assumed I would do anything to be with him..or let him do anything to me. But he’d taken it slow. He’d made me love him first. And I really did love him.

Even though his original motives were now obvious, and no matter how much he hurt me, it was too late – I still already loved him. He got under my skin so deeply, I was simply besotted that a girl like me could be with him; when he was (in terms of school hierarchy) out of my league. I became terrified of losing him to someone else, that I didn’t deserve him, and so maybe this was why I could turn a blind eye to how he treated me at times. He said he loved me too – which I half believed, but it needn’t have mattered to me – I would have been there anyway. I think, deep down, he was right from the beginning – I would do anything to be with him, to keep him.

When I stopped giving it all too much thought, he was good to me. He was giving, thoughtful, and most of all faithful. The only arguments we did have revolved around sex. We were both virgins – to ‘proper’ sex anyway, and he always seemed to respect the fact that I wasn’t ready to lose my virginity yet, which surprised me. Throughout the year we’d been together, I’d tried to please him – often with my hand, very occasionally my mouth – but he was the only guy I’d ever been with – I didn’t have the experience or talent like the sluts he had been with. We both knew my clumsy attempts didn’t even compare, no matter how hard I tried for him.

But none of this seemed to matter to Jake. From Day 1 he seemed to have only one sexual agenda for me – anal. It was the ultimate taboo for me; probably for him too, maybe that’s why he wanted it so much. Whenever things got heated, it was the only thing he’d try and aim for, his hands always clinging onto my ass. We’d talked about it, but I’d always put him off – if I wasn’t ready for normal sex, how could I be ready for that? But he seemed to get upset, as though I wasn’t prepared to please him. He didn’t understand my reluctance.

The truth is; I was scared. I knew very little about it, and I knew if we tried it..I’d fail. Although Jake wasn’t the biggest down below, I knew my tiny, petite frame would struggle. It would be typical – I’d moan it hurt too much and have to stop. And then that would be it. I’d be good for nothing, a failure to him sexually in every way. I knew if that happened, he’d be gone forever.

But as of last week, we’d made a deal. A make or break deal with no way out. I’d either keep Jake, or lose him..and it would be my fault. This is why I was in such low spirits today. The bus slowed down near to my house, and I smiled a half hearted farewell at Richard as I climbed out into the rain, heading towards home.

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June 2018
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