self discovery

I wonder where it all came from… this sudden and deep connection with her. I don’t know her. I have never seen her face. All I have are words. And yet these words have reached somewhere deep inside me and touched a place never realized. The witty banter… the sexual innuendo… the subtle erotica. Heh… her words, that are so true. Eagerly awaiting each reply that forces me to look further into myself, to see and feel and think about possibilities never imagined.

How has she done this to me with mere words? The immediate understanding between us? The words. The very act of writing. The writing is our safe little world, where there are no constraints. Our little secret. To have a collaborator, so intimate. Like whispering in each others ears. We awaken these things in each other. Hers, lost and now found through my words. Mine uncovered, like curtains being drawn back and revealing what was always there but hidden. Sweet and gentle discovery! Sudden and intense rediscovery!

We have our secret, safe place. Outside of it, we go through our lives. Never to meet, never to look into each others eyes. It need not be. We have already looked into each others souls, and found kindred spirits… understanding… intimacy. Lovers in words. To meet would shatter the connection, destroy the safe, free, secret, intimate place.

Total freedom! No inhibitions. Not just passion and sex. Oh, I have been there. I have known great passions, and great sex. But sensual exploration of sexuality, loss of all thought and inhibition, losing CONTROL. Total surrender. How can one just surrender their thoughts, their senses? I go through the days of my regular life having to be serious, stay serious… stay in control of myself. Coolly dealing with the realities of life. How then do I surrender myself? The very thought of doing this awakens something in me that has lain dormant. I WANT IT! To not be bound by anything, to explore and be explored. To discover and be discovered, mind… body… soul… all senses. Oh, the allure! The attraction of just letting go… getting lost in such sweet surrender! The very thought frightens me, and yet makes my soul ache for it.

I can see it, you know. I can write here for you about it, for here in my words… my little world, I am free to do as I choose. Her words, again, and so true, again. How could I not see it… picture it? I can, in my mind, and in these words, surrender myself to it… to her. Only here. No, not a whole narrative, dear reader. You understand, don’t you? I see flashes of it, for it is only in imagination. It can never be real.

But I can tell you I see her leaning back against me, head thrown back on my shoulder. I can tell you I see the profile of her face, eyes closed, slight smile. The soft curve of her neck that I gently caress with my lips. My hand brushing her nipple and watching it harden. Feel her touch send shivers as she runs her hand along my shaft. Feel her soft lips and tongue around it. I can smell her as I run my tongue down to her warm and wet lips… feel her tighten as I gently curve my finger up and touch and rub that one spot. I see the glisten of sweat on the small of her back in the soft light. Feel her, see her as she is on top, pinning my arms to the bed. Slow rhythm as she holds her face just in front of mine, her lips just above mine, not quite touching. Watching me completely surrender to her, to sensuality, to sexuality… to the moment.

I can see her, eyes closed, as I slide into her… hear the little whimper of pleasure. I can see her hair spread out under her as I work her body, explore her as completely as she had me. I watch her face. I know I would, as each exquisite thrill passed over. There is something hypnotic about a womans face as she surrenders to the sex. Have you ever looked… really looked… into a womans face at a moment when a pleasure overtakes her? It is beautiful. Truly. There is just something about the expressions… it is elegant in its emotion… mouth open and slightly hinting at a smile, eyes shut tight then rolling back. Not the hard, agressive, powerful look that plays across a mans face. But soft and almost helpless in its intimacy and beauty. I close my eyes and see these flashes of pure sensuality and sexuality.

Its Ok to write these things in this secret little space we are sharing at this moment. When I am done, I will return to the real world, and go about normal life. I will even know passion, and sex. But I don’t know if I will ever be able to experience the totality of sensuality that has been awakened in me in these writings with her whom I let into my secret, safe world of words. Maybe not in the physical sense. I can, however, visit this newly awakened thing within me when we write to each other again. The witty banter, the innuendo, the subtle erotica. The secret intimacy that is ours. The whispers of sensuality and sexuality. Enjoy the intellectuality and psychology of it. This undeniable and special connection that is shared between two people who are finding fulfillment in being able to fully express and explore through a little secret world the hidden world of complete sexual and mental freedom unencumbered by restrictions of what another person might think.

Perhaps I shall progress in this newly learned freedom, and truly write of an enounter as I might see it through the eyes of this freshly awakened and discovered sensuality and sexuality within me. For now, this little confessional will do. It is enough of a surrender for me for now that I have let you into my writings, my musings, and my secret little world that I share with my kindred spirit, with her, where in our anonimity we are free from constraints and insecurities and fears and safe to explore each other.

July 2018
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