past

I can still feel his hands… I can still feel all of their hands… My dreams still take me back to a time when I was loved… when I felt that I deserved to be loved…



I stare off into space more often that I should with this thought. It consumes me, this desire to be loved. When I look around all I see are couples and weather they are happy or not, they are still together. I can’t help but believe that this, any of this would be better than the emptiness that consumes my life. so now as I sit here and look around I can’t help but ask myself how I got to this point… what happened to me… I don’t think that I’m anything like most of the women who are sitting in this room, waiting for the little bell to ring signalling the start of my first and I hope last speed dating experience. I have drug my best friend along even though she is as much my opposite as the rest of these women. The bell rings to get our attention.



“Hello, ladies, and welcome to The Match Club. For those of you who are familiar with us you know how this works, but since I see a few new faces in here I will go over how this works.” As I look up I can see the face of the man who is addressing us… he must be the publicities director… He looks about 25ish… beautiful green eyes and bright red hair. As I catch myself staring he winks at me… no, it must be something in his eye. You see men don’t wink at me, they wink at my friends… but never at me. “… and now that we have gone over that let’s bring in the men…” SHIT, I feel like I’m in school again and missed the big tips for a test I was so busy staring at him I didn’t hear what he said…



As he turns towards the door a group of about 25 men walk in ranging in age from mid twenties to early sixties… Liz (my best friend) leans over from her table and hisses, “You owe me BIG time for this” With another ding of the bell… it begins.



By the mid-point break I have met men ranging from 19 to 50 and I have come to realize that the young guys are here to get laid… not a bad thing… but I’m thinking about more than just sex wild passionate sex, the kind you know you haven’t had in years if ever… my thoughts are always really good at biting me in the ass… As I go to light my cigarette there is the flick of a lighter in front of me. I look up “Thank you” It takes me a moment to realize that I’m looking at the Publicity guy. I can tell that he is about 6’5 heavier set… and to me anyways… drop dead gorgeous.



I feel a tap on my shoulder, it’s Liz… “I’m tired of this, I’m going to go to the coffee shop up the street, meet you in an hour?” I nod to her…



He smiles, “So it wasn’t her idea to come here…” I feel heat flame by face and flare in my eyes (one of the personality traits of being a natural redhead) he looks into my eyes and smiles when he sees the rage in them, “Hey, Kat, how’ve you been”



The blood drains from my face. as I try to regain my composure “Hey, Vin”…



I find myself looking up into the eyes of the man with whom I had planned to share a life. Suddenly I couldn’t breath as all of the hurt and pain I had felt from losing him, from hearing about his life erupt inside my chest. I could feel the colour of my eyes changing, Vin caught a glance at them before I shut them to try and force back the tears I had finally thought myself rid of. “Kat,” he placed a hand on my shoulder, “Kat, you look like you’ve seen a ghost…”



I took a deep breath, in an attempt to regain my composure before responding. “Haven’t I, Vin?” I could hear my voice cool and calculated, not at all like my voice had ever been where he was concerned. Inside my head my mind was screaming out all the words I wanted to say to him I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU HURT ME I WANT TO KNOW WHAT WENT WRONG I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITH THIS EMPTINESS EVERYDAY…”I mean I haven’t heard from you in years. I… I have to go now, Vin.” as I turned to walk away his hand on my shoulder tightened slightly.



“Kat,” his voice now a horse whisper, “I… I need to…” to hold you, to have you back, “to talk to you. Can we go somewhere to talk?”



I couldn’t breath, how long had I waited to hear his voice. How often had I tried to get up the nerve to pick up the phone, “I can’t right now, Vin, I have to take Liz home.”



“I’m off in 2 hours, can we talk then?”



I felt like I was dreaming, I had waited 5 years to hear him say this to me, I had to wonder if I was dreaming, “Look, Vin, my cell number is still the same.” I walked over to my car and grabbed a pen, “This is my address, I’ll make us a strong pot of coffee since I have a funny feeling that we’ll need it.”



He took my business card and looked at the address on the back, ” I will be there as soon as I can.”



“Look, Vin. Maybe you’d better call me before you get out of the car.”



He looked at me puzzled, “Why?”



“I finally got my lap dogs. One of them is an Alaskan Malamute and the other is a wolf husky. They are gentle giants to people they know, but I am their person and they will kill if they think that I am in danger.” at the look of shock on his face I added, “There are very few people who come to see me after 7, they may be suspicious”



He laughed, “Point taken, I’ll let you know when I get there.” He leaned in to kiss me.



“Vin, please don’t right now…” my mind was screaming my hormones were on edge I wanted him to kiss me, it had been so long though I was afraid I might ravage him in the parking lot. He caught the glint in my eyes.



“You’re right, I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”



After he left I picked up Liz and dropped her off at her house. When I got home I was met by my two housemates with tails wagging. “Well, guys, we’re going to have some company tonight. No eating the best lover I’ve ever had, OK?” My question was answered with doggie grins. I went into the house to get ready for his arrival and then I waited.



Please watch for the next instalment

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