Musicians And Sex (A Guide For Non-Musical Females)

Tim Kitten is a guitarist in a professional duo. Like all musicians who play the circuit, he scrapes a living; Sometimes. Non-musicians consider it a strange type of employment. They’re right; it is. But it’s always different, never boring, and nothing like a normal nine to five office job. Here’s an opportunity to look much deeper into the obscure world of music and musicians.

Shere Hite made her name in 1986 when her eponymous report on the sexual proclivities of American students was first published. The most erroneous emission, (shouldn’t that be omission)? in her widely acclaimed and far reaching investigation, was the lack of any information on the sexual wiles of musicians. Do male musicians make good partners? And if so, does it make a difference whether they are a drummer or keyboard player? Tim Kitten has interviewed many musicians to try and establish the facts. Tim is proud to present the first ever qualified and extensive survey on the suitability of male musicians as prospective partners:- The ‘Shere Tim Report’.


Keyboard players are delicate little things; bless their little white cotton socks. They can’t even mention that word, you know, the one that starts with ‘S’, ends with an ‘X’ and has an ‘E’ in the middle. When someone does say that word in front of them they spill their mug of warm milk all over their multi-coloured tank tops and brown corduroy trousers. Keyboard players go out once a month, slinking into their local newsagent to collect a copy of ‘Ivory Ticklers Monthly’. To avoid embarrassment it’s always wrapped in a plain brown paper cover. But as far as sex and keyboardists go, that’s it.

Try to explain to keyboard players about females, and a vacant expression appears. Is it because the very instrument they play has so many nudge-nudge wink-wink sexual innuendoes attached to it? When the keyboard player in your band ‘phones up and says, “Do you want to come around and see my new organ, it’s a lot bigger than my old one, and it’s got more horns”, you can’t help but snigger.

Keyboardists can only have emotional relationships with their own keyboards, and even then these relationships are very unsatisfactory. No information regarding the sexual habits of keyboard players could be found. No current partners, or ex partners of the ivory ticklers could be found either. The obvious conclusion is that keyboard players don’t do it! So forget trying to have a relationship with a keyboard player. Buy some paint, paint a wall, and watch it dry.


Keyboard Player – 0 out of 10

Tin of paint – 4 out of 10


Bass players are usually hunky and tend towards being Neanderthal. Bass guitars have four strings; it is on this basis, they approach all matters sexual. The E string stands for eroticism and erogenous zone. When watching a bassist performing a solo, you will notice he tries to ooze an erotic aura, always unsuccessfully. As for the erogenous zone, that’s the control panel on the bass amplifier. The A string represents allure and arousal; Alluring is the expression that bass player put on when performing. It looks very similar to a squashed grapefruit. It’s easy to tell when a bass player is aroused; their left eyebrow twitches every hour or so.

The D string stands for desire and orgasm. Bass players desire everything and everyone, but they particularly desire heavy speaker cabinets that require four roadies to shift them. As for the orgasm bit, well, bass players are renowned for not being able to spell very well. Finally there’s the G string, but you don’t have to have that explained do you? You do? Oh all right then. Ask a bass player where the G spot is. After an hour or two of deep thought, he will announce it can be discovered on the tenth fret of his thinnest string; close, but no cigar.

All in all, bass players are very introvert, and prefer spending their time playing with themselves, than with others. So if you want to have a relationship with a bassist, you are better off investing in a fresh wet cod, and taking it home for the night. A least a fresh wet cod would be more stimulating.


Bass Guitarist – 0 out of 10

Fresh wet cod – 6 out of 10


Drummers, eh. Well, what can one say? You want a bit of rough? Don’t believe me? Then why do all drummers have chests that remind me of the coconut mats I used during PE at junior school? Drummers’ approach to sex is basic, but surprisingly romantic. They are the most likely of all musicians to take you out for a good time. A night out at the dog track is one of their favourites. If the dog track is closed, you will be expected to watch him wallop his drum kit out of time; for five hours.

If a drummer ever asks you to get his kit off, don’t jump to conclusions. This translates as, “The gigs finished, get me drums off stage and packed away in the Reliant Robin.” On your birthday the drummer will phone you up. He’ll ask you to dress up because he’s going to take you out for a meal. Put on a coat as it’s usually very draughty around kebab vans; and don’t forget to take your purse.

Drummers admire women who are strong; to shift all the heavy gear around for them. But do keep in mind, a drummer’s job is the most physically demanding in the band, so when he falls asleep on your first, and every date thereafter, don’t be surprised. Time for a quick drummer joke? Oh all right then: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? Homeless!


Drummer – 0 out of 10

Coconut mat – 7 out of 10


These semi-precious rock-band stalwarts are renowned for a particular method of contraception, which was named after them. The pill is still used by many women today. I know that doesn’t make sense, but that’s the point, rhythm players don’t make sense. They always welcome a new song into the set, then discover it contains a chord they’re unfamiliar with. That’s it! The song is never done. It’s the same with girlfriends, other band members’ girlfriends are familiar, but all other females are unknown, so never get a look in.

Another problem is the rhythm guitarist’s inability to decide which guitar to use. They can never make up their mind, and constantly switch between them. A bit like their relationships really. Rhythm guitarists like to stick nine plectrums to a mike stand , it’s a sort of virility thing, don’t ask why. They also like to play ‘Stairway To Heaven’ very badly at people. Now there’s a warning.

They can not keep time with drums, bass, or anything musical. They do have the extraordinary ability to be completely out of time with themselves. So if you want a relationship with a rhythm guitarist, keep in mind when you arrange to meet, they will never be on time, and there will always been strings attached to any relationship.


Rhythm Guitarist – 2 out of 10

Stairway To Heaven – 10 out of 10


A relationship with a male vocalist is always very problematical because he can only communicate with a girlfriend using song titles. It helps him tremendously if his partners’ name has been immortalised in a song. A typical conversation between a vocalist and his partner goes something like this. He phones her at work, “Hey Jude, it’s your Soul Man.” Jude is quite used to this greeting. “Oh hello Dick, how did the recording session go?” There’s a pause, “Everybody Hurts. But it’s All Right Now. Money For Nothing really. It’s All Over Now and we’re going for a pint at The House Of The Rising Sun.”

Jude sighs, and then she asks, “Who else was at the session?” Dick thinks deeply before replying, “Hey …what’s his name, oh yeah Joe, the guy whose Living Next Door To Alice.” Jude tells Dick she has to be at work early tomorrow. Dick replies, “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go, give us a Shout, and a coffee with one teaspoon of Brown Sugar.”

Even going on a shopping trip with a vocalist can be a nightmare. They always insist on The Best, and everything has to be Perfect. You stop for a break at The Hotel California and order a Black Velvet with a generous slice of American Pie. Of course There’s Only One Road Home, The Long And Winding Road, and although it’s Summertime, the weather is typically British and is changing to a Stormy Monday. If you are considering a relationship with a vocalist perhaps it’s time you were Moving On, but Don’t Look Back In Anger, just Take It Easy as it really Doesn’t Matter Any More.


VOCALIST – 3 out of 10

Pink Cadillac – 10 out of 10


Then there are the lead guitarists. Well, as you may have already guessed, there is another very long and detailed report covering everything everyone has ever wanted to know about this most sensitive and gentle breed of musician. For a small fee of £165 plus VAT, this report is available for any who wish to peruse it.

September 2018
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