Like maggots out of meat, learned armchair critics and even the occasional academic come out of pandiculation. Instead of going for a run to reduce spreading tummy fat and release flatulence their eyes burn with loathing and they belt out a curt message to me.

Usually the message is signed ‘Anonymous USA’, ‘Knut in Oslo’ or simply ‘Anonymous’ who in reality is a Retired School Teacher in a secure facility in Maryland.

The main theme of their message is ‘Get an editor’ or ‘Get a fucking editor’.

Oh boy do my literary inadequacies make their day. These hundreds of critics return to their chairs like knights of old gloating in knowledge of a job well done. Occasionally they may have groveled and added, “As it happened I like the story. It had originality and ended with an unexpected twist.”

Of course a few go on to put in the boot: “Your characters are not loveable [Holy shit what did they expect when my characters were not New Zealanders?], “I didn’t like him shafting the heroine’s sister [Hello, did you wish he shafted you instead pal?] and “The sex scenes were unsatisfactory being more about fluids releasing than emotions unleashed [baby ask any woman does she ever have satisfactory sex].

Excuse me for being cynical but that’s the way I am. It gives me a cutting edge with writing because it means I always have something to say even when endeavoring to repeat myself to fill in the gaps and get the fucking submission beyond the minimum 800 words.

Of course all these critics have an aunt who’s a retired university professor of zoology that would simply love to escape tedium of eating and watching appalling TV by getting her teeth into my submissions to Erotoica er Literotica.

I even have fucking idiots advising me to use a spellchecker. It’s no use saying I put every submission through MSWord 2000 spellchecker because they are not interested in reading my defense. Being domicile in New Zealand I’ve just uncorrected defence and changed it to defense in the belief that the greatest number of my readers on Literotica misspell defence that way. But do I moan about that? No never.

You see it’s a matter of being reasonable. I expect my readers to make allowances for my spelling and grammatical inadequacies should they exist in the proportions one assumes if reading the outrages of braying critics.

Please read this: I don’t want an editor. I’m possessive and value my created stories [well most of them]. I simply want to release them on to the poor unsuspecting world in their original form, presented as created.

Probably contrary to the belief of some spell/grammar critics, I do read every ‘criticism’ even if some make me puke [well I couldn't puke unless I read them, could I?]. And it’s true I wriggle in my writer’s chair in embarrassed delight when say, um, Aunt Fanny form er from Pine Apple in Alabama (pop. plus or minus 150) writes, “I love your stories; they send me to sleep” or from the Baptist Ladies Needlework Collective in Virginia, “Your irreverent approach to the glory of sex does have some appeal to this group, or at least to we two — Louise and Thelma.”

Now don’t get me wrong. Not all critics deliver repetitive shit. I had a guy write recently, “In this story your failed to flesh out your main characters.”

Well although I’m not one to have the heroine walk with a crooked limp and wipe her nose on her chantilly lace sleeve and the rich dark-tanned hero [plagiarism from a chocolate ad?] caressed her tummy button because that was the central being of his blonde darling with blue eyes carrying a glint of yellow.”

Well following Mick’s comment or whatever his name was I went back and found it was true, that my heroine only gave something of her character away by the way she spoke [ungrammatically?] and how she thought. But I’d not stated whether or not she wore sun glasses, scratched her left tit, had hair or wore clothes, had eyes, nose or teeth and was capable of walking, sitting or sleeping.

God, what a wake-up call.

As a result my next story was awash with character detail and the plot was virtually non-existent. Well I readjusted and thank that critic for assisting in that. He did a fine job.

Following is a cut and paste from a reader’s comment today:

By: Anonymous in MN, USA I really liked this story. Full of good stuff, however there were a few grammer errors that threw me off when reading it a few times. Otherwise a great story.

He or she can’t spell either but didn’t mention spelling, only ‘grammer’.

Well that’s enough from me. I’ve taken all this to ask, could critics remember to comment about the story when ranting about speling and grammer. Thank you for reading this far. E.G.


September 2018
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