I had not seen him for nine months. We live in different states and visits are rare, but contact is constant. During one visit we role played rape, with a safe word. I did not fight very hard. The second visit – I fought harder and found myself with a torn belly ring, and rug burns on my face, but I still did not fight hard enough. It was so hot – unbelievably powerful and not something I had ever considered with anyone else. Yet we had e-mailed about it and we wanted to try. He was not certain he could do it – stepping outside of himself as someone who would never deliberately do anything to harm me, and pulling away from that to delve into the world of pain and pleasure. The first time he caught me by surprise – and the look in his eyes is one I will never forget. Though I did not fight as hard, I knew in an instant that he had found a way to mentally go to a place outside of himself and turn into someone who would rape me. Both times it was powerful, intense, arousing, amazing – leaving one’s self and delving deep into something not experienced before.

Over time the e-mails began to take on a different tone as we began discussing other levels of kink we really wanted to explore. Each time the question remained to us individually is, how far could we go, would we go. I know I am not a pain slut, but there is a level of pleasure/pain that I crave to experience. Slowly we began discussing levels of submission, but as a switch. I could never be a full time slave and our relationship was such that it would never work full time. That would have had to have been the relationship from the beginning. But neither of us had thought in terms of that, or were searching for that, even when we met. Yet I craved a need for times when I could be at his complete mercy, his complete control, and fully submissive to his every command. I never knew this person existed inside of me until I met him.

Everything is a progression and each e-mail and each revelation and online exploration of fantasy, bonding, sexual turn-ons, and degrees of exploring pain and humiliation seemed to open doors to new possibilities. The level of trust in the power exchange – a gift – time and communication the key. I offered that next time there would be no safe word, the ultimate expression of trust, the trust that he would somehow know at what point to stop. His challenge – his own mind, as I do not fully know how deep he can go to take me to a level where I am fully submissive, and fully his slave. How much torture required was he thinking, and I do not know, even as I write this, but fear is what I still feel.

Our only limitation has always been geographical distance. He is moving to a different state so everything we talked about centered around when he moved and when I came out to visit. I usually visited him for a few days at a time in one state where he worked, but not the state where he lived. I planned a trip to visit friends in his home state, and only by a fluke were we able to have my last night together, when he returned home from work. It was only one night, there was not much notice, and we had not talked about exploring the master/slave relationship for that one night we would spend together. I was not prepared for what was going to happen, and I do not think he had much planned himself, but only he knows the answer to that question – what had he planned and what was spontaneous? I admit I was mixed about seeing him – longing for someone I had not seen but fear that he may spend the night forcing me into submission. There was no plan and no script as I could tell, but I had to at least know it was possible.

He met me at the hotel after having spent the week out of state working. He came straight from work and when I opened the door he was clearly exhausted. He changed out of his uniform into a t-shirt and shorts and laid down on the bed. He put his arms out and he just wanted to lay together and he needed sleep. At that moment, it felt so good to be in his arms again and to gently stroke his arm until he nodded off. I cannot tell you the exact sequence of events after he woke-up, just that we had dinner delivered, he showered, we watched a few videos on his laptop, talked, and laughed. I actually thought that maybe there would be no sex at all – just talking, laughter, and intimacy, even if I was only there for one night. The relationship is not only about sex and fucking, after all. But we did – the kissing, the touching, feeling his thick long cock inside of me. So long, so wonderful, but then he stopped. My mind becomes blurry but at some point, he made the switch in his head.

He had me flipped on my back and grabbed my throat and squeezed so hard I could not breathe at all. He was telling me in a deep, commanding voice that I would do what he told me to do, and I was trying to nod my head that I would. I have had my neck grabbed before, he has done this before, but never to a point I could not breathe at all. He pulled my hair hard and commanded me onto my hands and legs and I knew. He at least used lube before he plunged so deep into my ass I screamed. He forced my face down into the bed and put his hand over my mouth while raping my ass, trying to stifle the screams. He stopped for whatever reason he stopped – I only knew I was in agony but I could not fight him off, he had me pinned down too hard and no one could hear me scream. He left and cleaned up and then I went and cleaned up, my ass was bleeding and bleeding. I had promised him I would not let anyone fuck my ass – only him. It was too tight to handle his long thick cock. Even though it was excruciating and bleeding, I was still at such a sexual peak I did not want him to stop forcing me to do whatever he commanded.

When I came back he began forcing me again. Grabbing my hair, pinning my hands down, forcing his cock into my pussy, and growling at me not to fight. But the more he fucked my pussy, the more wet I became and the more I tried to fight him. He kept telling me not to fight him as it would only get worse. He was serious and I knew he was serious – this was not a game, yet my mind was in a deep place of fear and arousal and the height of sexual ecstasy. He reminded me of things he was going to force me to do to prove myself the next time I saw him. He forced me to agree then that I was still willing to do those things. He reminded me that he would force me to be gang banged. He reminded me that he was going to force me to sell my body – sex for cash, a real whore not an implied whore. I would submit to sex for cash with any man he chose, regardless of looks. He reminded me he might abandon me if there was any hint of danger to himself. These things were repeated to me over and over in a deep low voice that meant he was serious, reinforcing this was not a game. This was all a test of loyalty and devotion and the ultimate commitment to being his slave.

Despite this, I still would try and fight and when I fought I felt more and more aroused, but it meant his delicious cock was not in my pussy. He would bark at me to stop fighting, and he kept fucking, and it felt so good, but I would start fighting again. He was grabbing my hair and yanking my neck to the point I could hear it crack. He did something so unexpected that forced me to finally submit – he spit on my face! This was never discussed, and I never even considered he would do this to me. I was sickened but aroused. My mind slipping deeper and deeper to a level I had never been before. He spit on me like I was a whore, an ultimate act of humiliation. I had been fighting but that told me to stop.

He again grabbed my hair and forced me to submit, but he told me, threatened me, that it would be much much worse the next time he saw me, and he spit on my face again. I could feel it dripping off my face but I did nothing to try and wipe it off on the bed, even though I was on my hands and legs. He grabbed my hair and I heard my neck crack as he forced me into the bathroom and ordered me into the tub onto my knees and facing him. I feared that he might at some point break my neck. He stood in front of me and started pissing all over my chest, then ordering me to turn around but stay on my knees as he finished pissing all over my back. He finished and ordered me to shower and warned me that next time he might piss in my mouth and make me take it.

I finished the shower with so many thoughts running through my head. I felt his hot piss all over me – and the smell. It was gross, it was humiliating, and yet I loved it. I wanted him to do it again. We may have talked about this but I had no idea what it would be like until I experienced it. I had no idea what he thought about it. Sometimes a fantasy is not as good as the reality. Yet for me, it was beyond the fantasy – the reality and the sexual high from the experience and the humiliation were overwhelming. I was reluctant to make the shower quick as I still wanted to feel his piss on me, but I wanted to go back to him.

I finished the shower and came back to the bed and he finished completely, then held me in his arms. He proved he was fully capable of being the Master – total control and forcing total submission. I knew my trust in him was correct – he knew what level he could take me to that night and when he felt he should stop. He also proved that when all was done, and I had been beaten down and humiliated, that he still cared. He could unlock that piece of his brain to take me down to deep dark levels but he could control how far to go. He is perfection at domination.

I was not perfection at submission. I still will honor the vow not to have anyone fuck my ass except him. I need to find some other means to practice because I know when I do see him again it will be much much worse. More humiliating and degrading than this time. The flaw was that I fought when he commanded me not to, because I could not control my arousal to fighting. Fighting just made my pussy more wet and aching for more of his cock. I need to be forced to a deeper level so he can completely control my body and my mind. I know he is capable, and I know I can trust. I am deep down terrified at how far he may need to go to do this, and he is not going to tell me what else he has thought of, but he certainly knows he capable.

I have a choice now that I have had the sample. I have to balance arousal and fear. He could break my neck without even trying. He could make my ass bleed so badly I have to go the a hospital. He could break an arm, he could do so many things because he has the physical strength, but does he have the ability to control his mind to stop before it goes too far. I have the choice as to whether or not I see him again. I would be the one buying the ticket and flying to see him, knowing and not knowing what was in store for me. I could get arrested for what he is going to force me to do – and he will not be there to help me. I know this and understand this and know this is what he needs of me, for his own need to know how committed I am, and his own sexual pleasure.

Do I trust him enough to know that he would not physically harm me beyond a level that would require anyone to know? Am I so pathetic that I have an even deeper need and crave for his approval, and to become the perfect slave to him. Why do I need this, and why do I need HIM to do this to me? I do not understand why I long for this with him, more powerfully than ever before. He has told me by e-mail that I have no idea what he has planned and I think he has had his own fear at his own thoughts. Yet this particular time, absolutely unscripted, and knowing what little he has said about the longer visit, I am terrified of seeing him, and wishing time would hurry up so I can see him again.

I have one other choice – I could still request a safe word. Despite fear I am not going to cave in and ask, but will instead trust. I will not go back on anything I agreed to do for him, despite the risk. There is a place online where he has publicly allowed me to show on my profile that he is my Master and I am his slave for life, and that no one on that site can have me without him present. I requested his permission as a means of controlling e-mails to my profile. Yet over time, when I log in and look at my profile, I love seeing that I belong to him. When I asked him about each detail as I was building the profile, I specifically said that there was a place with a reference for life, instead of meaning long term. I did not want him to have false information when I did this, and he agreed. But he does not know the specific thing I want to earn – for him to place on his profile that he is my Master and I am his slave for life. His profile shows no relationships to anyone.

For now, I am left with a powerful experience unlike anything I have ever had in my life, and I want more. I fear more, but I want more. Yet every time I run this night through my head, I just find myself wet, horny, craving……..

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June 2018
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